Gaslighting: Putting it in Perspective

by: Alisa Schneidman

I have a part of me that would get foggy when I wanted to talk about gaslighting. It’s like my mind has a foggy cloud come over it and then it would go blank-I could have been crystal clear two moments before-go to talk about gaslighting and it will be gone. I will have a part of me trying to recover the information in vain and the harder it tries the thicker the fog gets. Inevitably, I give up because the whole point is lost in the battle between the “thickening fog” and my frustration with it. Today the same thing was happening-and then something entirely different completely.

The something entirely different-I want to tell you it was profound-it wasn’t- I still gave up because I was not writing about the experience- I was just giving the definition. That’s when it hit me- I wanted to write about the experience of gaslighting- and here I was literally experiencing it. I took a moment and was in a bit of awe- I got more curious. I realized it until I re-read the description of “the fog” and I couldn’t help but smile. I noticed the doubt that came up and the futility, I noticed that I gave up and stopped speaking, I noticed I was thinking of all the people in my life these feelings came up with and I noticed something more subtle- I felt responsible for allowing it to happen to me. I felt the shame-I felt like I had to speak about it not from the experience but with the detachment of someone who is untouched now. That is the worst part of gaslighting-it makes you believe you are responsible and/or accountable for someone else’s actions.

That responsibility will disguise itself as compassion- it will be in the knowledge you have gotten from books and armed yourself with, so you aren’t duped again. You should have known better, but it becomes a weapon against yourself-because the other people haven’t done their work-so now you are more responsible. I will fight my “compassion” because it felt like I would sacrifice my clarity-worse my right to be angry. Somebody’s pain entitled them to be hurtful. Somebody’s lack of awareness made them less culpable. I told my friend this last night and his response was-yes, this person is sad and angry, and this is still mean, bullying bad behavior. He didn’t excuse it although he saw and heard why the person was doing it. Simple and clear perspective-something I had needed validated. That is compassion-it’s perspective and accountability- it means I can hear and be with someone and not lose my own perspective, diminish their accountability, or take on things that aren’t mine. I continue to refine the meaning for myself.

These are simple but not easy things. I am writing all of this while still learning, and I actively work. That work helps me release responsibility not take on more. The last thing a part of me wants to share is we don’t allow others to treat us a certain way-they are making the decision to act that way. This is the same logic a part may use when they say, “if you hadn’t made me so mad I wouldn’t have gotten drunk”. We can’t teach others how to treat us; we can’t give up control over others in one breath and then say we can control their behavior. That is still claiming responsibility for what they are doing. Instead, we can turn inward and check in on what’s going. My parts felt at the mercy of arbitrary, volatile and mean behavior; I didn’t learn how to set boundaries but felt responsible for everyone else’s behavior. It was constantly living in anxiety, so believing that it was me offered me hope. It was also a product of gaslighting. I can do something about that- I can help those parts.

It has been things like today, I saw a foggy brain and was like wait, that’s a hint not a hinderance and wanted to know more-I saw compassion in a way my parts could accept, and I am not trying to write this blog with an answer (almost-I almost tried to end it with one). I still have parts that still have been gaslit, especially one that is so literal it acts like gas (that’s clever to me) that gives amnesia. This is where I start-I find the I get curious and care about my opinion of my reality the less I am invested in other people’s version of it.

EVENTS

FRIDAY APRIL 4TH, 6:00 PM- 7:30 PM IFS GROUP: PUTTING OUT THE GASLIGHT (available via Zoom)

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FRIDAY APRIL 11TH 6:00 PM-7:30 PM FULL PINK MOON SOUND BATH & MAPPING YOUR LUNAR JOURNEY (available via Zoom)

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FRIDAY APRIL 18TH 6:30 PM-9:30 PM FUN GROUP

FUN GROUP: GLAMOR SHOTS

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SATURDAY APRIL 19TH 2:00 PM – 5:00 PM REIKI SHARE

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