Be the Bigger Person...Or Not

Alisa Schneidman
May 27
3 min read

Updated: May 28

by: Alisa Schneidman

Be the bigger person—well, that’s hard at barely 5’2” and barely 103 lbs. Be the bigger person—hmm. That is hollow comfort, but it gave me some tiny sense of justice when I was cheated, wronged, exploited, or abused. Be the bigger person—stay kind and loving, stay unruffled. Translation: anger needed purification to have justification.

Be the bigger person. A protective part of me lived by that mantra so there could be no recriminations in a world where experience had shown me that anger is an entitlement of those who provoke it. The next best thing is to be silent—clear of wrongs. Be the bigger person, in the end.

It’s a lot of work to be in that dance. I mean—I am exhausted writing about it.

It hit me that maybe being the bigger person is another way of expressing anger. It’s repressing it. What if I could just be angry? What if the loudest person is just someone dysregulated and dysfunctional—not scary and intimidating? I don’t have to stop them from expressing, but they aren’t an authority. Their anger doesn’t have to be anything but that—anger. That doesn’t give them the right to be disrespectful, and it doesn’t mean that being silent is better. I can be angry, and I can make decisions knowing I’m angry. I don’t have to yell in protest—that’s just anger trying to stop others from being angry. But if I’m angry at someone’s actions, well—I can take action.

I had a particularly shitty medical experience this past weekend: a doctor who decided to create symptoms to fit a narrative, leave out pertinent medical history, and misdiagnose an obvious condition. This wasn’t the first time this had happened, but it was the first time I held a doctor accountable in the moment for the insanity. Typically, I would say nothing until later, taking small comfort that I had the right to be angry and complain because I was “being the bigger person.”

This time, I remember thinking: that’s factually wrong. You cannot change facts to suit your narrative—but he was doing it. So, I stopped him. The conversation would continue in that way, and I wouldn’t get help or clarity from him. I won’t lie to you—I left hurting and upset. However, I did leave noticing it felt better to have spoken up.

Later, I would read the doctor’s note, infuriated—until I laughed, because he wrote the note like a defiant teenager. It was the most unprofessional, non-clinical medical documentation I have ever read. He gave me the best evidence I needed to report to Patient Relations.

Here we are, a couple of days out, and my own doctor validated the medical reality. I realized it’s not about being the bigger person—it’s about doing your job or your part. I was doing mine: taking care of me. He was failing to do his—and he didn’t like that being pointed out.

I’ve had clients speak about being the bigger person—they came to similar conclusions. I found her to be very courageous. They inspired this blog—they both did. It takes courage to decide to speak for your parts, act for their parts—be the bigger person, or not.

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