The Quandary of Toxic Empathy & Moral Equivalency
- Alisa Schneidman
- Apr 15
- 4 min read
by: Alisa Schneidman
In the last few weeks, years, lifetime… gaslighting has been a thing. I have talked about the more overt kinds in the last few blogs. I want to focus on something that I have found has its roots in toxic empathy and impacts kids growing up in homes with addictions and adults in relationships with addicts, narcissists and in any type of relationship where accountability is noticeably lopsided, deficient, or absent.
In an ideal, or at least typical circumstance, a child does not have the responsibilities, expectations, roles, or the power of an adult. Like I have talked about in my other blogs in homes with addiction the responsibilities, expectations, or roles of an adult may be given to a child but rarely is adult power. This sets up an unwinnable situation, and I have yet to hear someone tell me in these situations that someone clearly defined and demonstrated boundaries to them, and most of the time there were arbitrary and unpredictable changes. All this to say that learning to have empathy with your caretaker was normal and expected-getting it back could either be unexpected, too much to hope for, transactional, and capricious. Kids in these environments learn to adapt their own boundaries. They will have rigid rules because of all the guessing. They will always offer kindness, understand others have unconditional empathy for others forgetting about their own needs, not ask for help or expect it in return, or they may isolate from others, and most find it difficult to hold people accountable, leading them to hold onto things that aren’t theirs because there wasn’t someone who stepped in consistently and appropriately to protect them so they knew they didn’t have to hold it or it was okay not to do these things. So, anytime someone who has been in these situations speaks up it takes a lot of guts-they are speaking up against an opposite training, message and internal voice saying that they aren’t being caring. They have been gaslit and have learned to gaslight themselves and it takes some real chutzpah to say anything.
I have shared that I grew up in a home with a mother with addiction. I set boundaries with her early, and even as a young kid stood up to her. Here was the rub, addiction is a family disease. Everyone is affected and there is no “bad guy”, there are wounded people- wounded parts. However, not all parts have equal responsibility in interactions and not all people have equal culpability. I heard multiple times “you and your mother…” or “why can’t you and your mother...”, as if a child had the same level of authority, experience, power, and responsibility as the parent, let alone the addict. Putting voice to this I realized I had been gaslit by the trap of moral equivalency.
We all play a part- for sure – but we all don’t bear an equal amount of responsibility. The example I gave could be swapped for a relationship with a narcissistic partner, a boss, friend, roommate, classmate, etc.- the point is not all behavior is created equal. There will be times when both parties react, and it gets foggy- this is when empathy for others can be a slippery slope. Moral equivalency made me believe I had to use it. It made life painful and difficult. Empathy helps us see another person’s reasoning IF they explain it-it doesn’t help us read their mind. Empathy is what makes us think twice before hurting another person-that’s probably why you didn’t start the fight or why you think carefully about what to say or how to approach someone. Empathy is not the most helpful input in setting boundaries because it is a response - not an action-compassion is the key.
Leading with compassion shifted everything. Compassion shifts my focus internally and away from the external. I see you and I care- however I maintain my clarity and can set boundaries from that space. I examine things in me I want to change and feel hope in that because I am not bound by having to hold things that aren’t mine-the burdens a child held that was gaslit into believing I must lead with empathy-and that meant taking another’s accountability. This isn’t always smooth or happens overnight, but it has gotten easier. Compassion has given me a voice, peace and the ability to feel justice.
UPCOMING EVENTS
Fun Group: Glamor Shots of You, Your Pet and A Tarot Pull with Mint, Friday April 18th, 6:30 pm- 9:30 pm Hockessin, FloorPlay Dance Center, 1127 Valley Rd, Suite 201, Hockessin, DE 19707
Reiki Share, Saturday April 19th, 2 pm - 5 pm Hockessin, FloorPlay Dance Center, 1127 Valley Rd, Suite 201, Hockessin, DE 19707
Dark Moon Sound Bath & Mapping Your Moon Journey Saturday April 26th, 6:30 pm -8:00 pm Hockessin, FloorPlay Dance Center, 1127 Valley Rd, Suite 201, Hockessin, DE 19707
Chakra Balancing Crystal Sound Bath, Sunday, April 27th, 9:00 am, Hockessin, FloorPlay Dance Center, 1127 Valley Rd, Suite 201, Hockessin, DE 19707
IFS Group, Friday, May 2nd, 6:30 pm-8:00 pm, N. Wilmington
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