Permission vs Consent: Knowing When Yes Mean Yes
- Alisa Schneidman
- Apr 30
- 3 min read
Discerning the Difference Between Agreement and Alignment
By: Alisa Schneidman
Seeking permission is something that is normal and healthy. We do it as children to make sure we’re following rules, and we’re often praised for it. As adults, it’s encouraged and honored to ask for permission. I talk about giving permission in session with my clients — and them granting it — but it occurred to me yesterday that there’s a difference between permission and consent. That realization is still sinking in, so I chose to write about it.
Permission is an external yes or no. It’s something we both ask for and grant — and something others give for us when we’re little. It can also be taken away as punishment. Permission can be both a privilege and a weapon, and it’s almost always outer-focused, having to do with outcomes or relationships. It can be compromised by wounds or come from clarity. You can give permission from a centered, open place — or from what you’re feeling in the moment. The difference is between response and reaction.
An example: we say yes to a family member, friend, or co-worker because the cost of no is too high. It’s been made clear that denying permission would mean abuse, ostracism, or some other form of covert or overt punishment. It’s a double bind — say yes and endure something we didn’t want, or say no and be punished for it. That’s not consent. That’s pressure.
This is where things get murky. People get the script flipped on them: “Well, why didn’t you say no?” Or: “You allowed them to treat you that way.” It’s another form of gaslighting. That “permission” becomes coercion — because it happens without consent.
Wait — I know, you might be thinking: I definitely consented.
Humor me for a moment. If it lands, cool. If not, that’s okay too.
Consent is a self-directed yes or no. It reflects our internal boundaries and keeps our voice and autonomy intact. Like permission, it can be given and withdrawn — but the decision is focused on us.
Consent doesn’t need outer validation — we know when we don’t consent. We feel the violation even when we’re told it’s our fault. That’s the distinction: permission can be manipulated. Consent cannot be coerced. You cannot consent to abuse.
Some clarity:
We don’t have to like what we consent to. We don’t even have to want to consent to it. I’ve made hard decisions — putting a pet to sleep, signing for surgery for my kids, paying overwhelming bills — all of which I didn’t want to say yes to, but I consented, fully informed.
On the other hand, there were things I didn’t consent to — tests, decisions with my daughter, certain relationships — because I wasn’t fully informed or internally aligned.
I’m still processing these differences. They’re both obvious and subtle.
But I do know this: consent is self-generated. Permission is others-motivated.
And like everything else, it takes compassion, curiosity, and patience to untangle.
Want to connect in real time? Join me at these upcoming events
FRIDAY, MAY 2ND AT 6:30 PM - 8:00 PM IFS GROUP HOME OFFICE
ENERGETICS, RESONANCE, RELATIONSHIPS AND THIS MONTH WE WILL TALK ABOUT GASLIGHTING, ANGER-STAYING SELF-LED WHEN BAITED
CHAKRA BALANCING CRYSTAL SOUND BATH, SUNDAY, MAY 4TH AT 11:00 AM (NEW TIME) HOCKESSIN
FULL MOON SOUND BATH & LUNAR MAPPING GROUP, SATURDAY, MAY 10TH 7:15 PM-8:45 PM SELENOPHILE CRYSTALS
BLOSSOMING COMPASSION GUIDED MEDITATION & SOUND BATH WITH MINT FAERIE, THURSDAY, MAY 15TH 6:30 PM-7:30 PM HOCKESSIN
REIKI SHARE, SATURDAY, MAY 24TH 2:00 PM - 5:00 PM HOCKESSIN
DARK MOON SOUND BATH & LUNAR MAPPING GROUP, SUNDAY, MAY 25TH, 5:15 PM - 6:45 PM
FUN GROUP: IMPROV NIGHT- JOIN US FOR DOING IMPROV GAMES ON FRIDAY, MAY 30TH, 6:30 PM- 8:30 PM, HOCKESSIN
SPECIAL TIME AT SELENOPHILE:
CHAKRA READING & BALANCING MINI-SESSIONS: SATURDAY, MAY 3RD 2:00 PM - 5:00 PM AT SELENOPHILE CRYSTALS- GET YOUR CHAKRAS MEASURED, A MINI BALANCING AND A PERSONALIZED CRYSTAL LIST TO ASSIST IN MAINTAINING HARMONY
Comments