Bullies, Bad Behavior & Grace
- Alisa
- Mar 26
- 3 min read
by Alisa Schneidman
I have dealt with a lot of bullies throughout my life, and maybe twice as many enablers and apologists. It started at home. So, it wasn’t easy to pick them out of a crowd. And if you did there wasn’t much support. It wasn’t easy to discern bullying from love-they felt very similar. People weren’t mean; they were honest and it’s because they love you; people weren’t out of line; they were speaking their minds and that is courageous. People weren’t crossing boundaries; they were simply inflexible and reactive. People were trying so you had to be okay with their behavior. It goes on and on. However, none of the refraining made it feel better, and it meant shutting down a lot of me to get by-after all if your bully is also the only way you are going to survive you learn, eventually, the power differential was real.
Did this mean I didn’t stand up for myself? God, no. I did a lot. And it didn’t work. I learned early if I shut up and put up with it maybe I wouldn’t feel as bad. It worked in the short term. However, those angry parts that knew it wasn’t right didn’t go away, they just didn’t speak out. So, I bullied me by criticizing myself relentlessly, by using an eating disorder, and making excuses for bullies on the outside. Afterall, these are the loving people. It didn’t feel good, but it was all painful-and telling me to stand up for myself was a double-edged sword because I didn’t see it as losing a bullying it meant it was costing me connection. Nobody said growing up in addiction makes sense so this kind of follows.
Bullies became pervasive in my life, and I would deal similarly. Life was painful. I knew their behavior was abhorrent but felt like it was my fault because I wasn’t standing up for myself enough-that’s the effects of gaslighting. Another post all together.
So, what changed. I am not going to say it was some miracle cure. I got angry. I got sad. I felt the injustice and eventually I had clarity. Their bad behavior is just that bad behavior. It’s not love, and it sunk in fully today. Somebody had been using the silent treatment, and it is one of the most painful things someone I love can do. It had me down for the count for a minute for sure-and I have never known how to handle it. I have always tried to understand, guess what they were thinking, maybe apologize for something they thought I did, even worse something they did, I try to see their perspective (that they never share) because I hoping something would hit on it and end the torment I didn’t deserve- but in the end I would feel worse, feel foolish, wrong, and questioned everything I did or said. Until today.
I slowed down, as hard as that was, and, I prayed-that is my way of saying I reached out spiritually for a loving source of support- and I saw it- yes the silent treatment is painful and is basically a way of saying f*** you without saying it, but this time it the pain isn’t the only voice, not even the loudest. I recognized the silent treatment as their bad behavior and a deficit here, more importantly, I was able to see my response contrast. Instead of feeling bad about myself, I thought wow, in the face of all this pain I don’t strike back. Wow, I am loving even in the face of the most unloving behavior. And it’s true, I stood in awe and because those pieces have never retaliated- I tread carefully because all parts of me have connection to my compassion, and nothing has ever shut that down.
I became the center of my story again and the silent treatment wasn’t so important. I am still unlearning to learn-but I am finding I am more curious about me. I wasn’t grateful for the silent treatment or bullies, but I was so appreciative that I could say I know more about who I am because of them.
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